Each year around Mother’s Day, when the media focuses on celebrating Mothers, I hear lots of grumbling from people who aren’t happy with the mother-child dynamic they experienced.
This year, I am offering a reflection for you to feel into with the intention of possibly healing a bit of the heart wound you attribute to your mother connection.
The label ‘mother’ can refer to your birth mother, as well as: a step-mother or family member / mentor who was (or is) a mother-figure to you, yourself as you parent your inner child, an energetic connection with sacred mother energy (mother earth, mother nature, mother of God to name a few possibilities).
Today, let’s focus solely upon your energy with your birth mother – and sending gratitude to her.
Please note: When I refer to your birth-mother in this article, I do so in past tense – because her greatest influence upon you was during your formative childhood years.
You may find yourself feeling resistance to this reflection, and that is okay. Please understand, though, before judging my perspective, that I didn’t know my own birth mother. I share a bit of my ‘birth mother experience’ in this article “Rewriting Your Beautiful Story“.
My mom and dad divorced when I was a baby, my dad had custody. During a visit, my mom took me and kept me ‘underground’ for a few years, while my dad worked the legal system. I was returned to my dad. I don’t know why my mom made those choices, but I can guess. In my early-20’s my mom and I connected via letters and she came for what was scheduled to be a week-long visit, but during the second hour announced she was going to Las Vegas (I live about a 6-hour drive from there), packed up and left. That was my birth mother experience.
While I haven’t walked in your shoes, my birth mother experience was less than idyllic so I understand some of the pain people feel around abandonment.
Each year around Mother’s Day I miss what my mind thinks the energy of a mother would bring to mine (and my children’s) life and that missing prompts me to re-affirm my commitment to be fully present to my inner child and to my birth children (shifting out of that patterning). It sucks. I wish I had a mom. I wish I had someone to celebrate on Mother’s Day. (I also understand fully that my mom probably wasn’t capable of sharing the energy I think moms share or she would be in my life, sharing it).
(I also had step-mom(s) and chaos and abuse – so I understand that dynamic, too – but this is about birth mother energy. I also have a fully present, loving, delightful relationship with my two teen children, so I understand lots about that wonderful dynamic as well.)
Not knowing my birth mom, or appreciating what she gave me, and missing her anyway is a wounded space that directly affects certain areas of my life. So, this year, I am doing focused inner work to open that up for myself. The invitation I am sharing with you is one I crafted while doing my own inner work. I invite you to feel into it and apply the parts that resonate with you to your own birth mother dynamic (and if you have children, to work in an age-appropriate way to expand your child’s understanding of the dynamic).
I am not saying it’s ‘easy’, I am not saying ‘you have to’, I am simply offering potential peace to your heart.
Please remember, this is about your birth mother. It might be that someone offered more love, appreciation and guidance to you than your birth mother – how awesome to have that! and that is wonderful to celebrate on Mother’s Day, if you wish, but this is just between you and your birth mother.
Gratitude for the Gift of Birth
Let’s bring it right back to the beginning – your birth. Your birth mother gave you birth – that is your point of gratitude. She made the choice to carry you to the fullness of your term and to give birth to you.
Of course, you can judge the choices she made as she carried you and the choices she made after she gave birth to you – but the point is, you are here in part because she chose to give birth to you.
Of course, you can say life has been a struggle and there were some moments you may have wished life away, so giving birth isn’t quite the blessing I am asking you to consider it to be. I understand that. If this is you, I invite you to stretch with me.
Your birth mother chose to carry you and give birth to you. I invite you to consider this, and send energetic gratitude to her. (Often, when a loved one is celebrating a birthday, I say ‘tell your mom I said thank you for giving birth to you’.)
If you love your life and you love living life, remembering that your birth mother ‘birthed you’ can deepen the love you feel for her and the connection you share.
The Gift of Physical Attributes
Your birth mother contributed genes to the physicality that makes you, you. I invite you to consider this and send energetic gratitude to her.
You can look in a full-length mirror and how your body is shaped and how each part fits into the next and know that your mother contributed to this physical sacred container that houses your energy.
Of course, you can judge what you see and label it something less than lovely or find fault with it – but, overall, the sacred container of your physical being is possible because your mother contributed.
If you love the physicality of you and you delight in the similarities with your birth mother, remembering that she contributed that to you can deepen the love you feel for her and the connection you share.
If the bond you shared with your birth mother lit your heart, yet she is geographically far away or has passed on, you can look in the mirror and see her in your physicality – understanding that is one way that she is still with you in this moment, that you are carrying her legacy. Even if you are feeling grief, you can look in the mirror and feel that love, holding it alongside your other feelings (perhaps even allowing it to heal your tender heart spots).
The Gift of Energy, Mannerisms, Resonant Patterning
Your birth mother shared with you pieces of her base energy, mannerisms, likes, interests, and patterning, that become apparent to you as you learn more about yourself, preferences and ways of being in the world. I invite you to consider this and send energetic gratitude to her.
Of course, you can judge the energy, mannerisms and ways of being as contributing to a barrier, if you wish (and it might be true for you), but the idea is that you have energy, mannerisms and ways of being to improve upon, if you wish, in part because of what your mother contributed to you.
If you love the energy and way of being you, and you delight in the similarities with your birth mother, remembering that she contributed that to you can deepen the love you feel for her and the connection you share.
As shared above, if the bond you shared with your birth mother lit your heart, yet she is geographically far away or has passed on, you can feel her energy as you move through your day, creating and connecting – understanding that is one way that she is still with you in this moment, that you are carrying her legacy. Even if you are feeling grief, you can look at your creative expressions and feel that love, holding it alongside your other feelings (perhaps even allowing it to heal your tender heart spots).
Compassion and Forgiveness
We each have such different birth mother experiences.
Whether your birth mother was fully present to you and you adored the experience or your birth mother wasn’t present to you and/or the presence she shared with you resulted in you feeling energetic and/or physical pain, you probably hold a seed of love for her someplace in your heart.
It’s okay to love your mom – even if you felt she was a total shit. Allow yourself to feel that love.
If you found yourself in a space where you chose to set and honor your boundaries and have chosen to sever physical and/or energetic ties with your mom so that you could begin the process of healing and thriving, it’s okay to still hold love in your heart for your mom after severing ties. (It’s also okay to feel things other than love for your mom, too.)
Regardless of how she treated you, you have the choice to feel and send energetic gratitude for the gifts mentioned above.
Why would you want to? (Especially if you were abandoned and/or abused.)
Because those gifts are pieces of you. And, if you hold anything other than gratitude for them, then it affects your current ability to feel fullness of peace in that area (in your physical body, energy, creative expression and being of you).
Do you see?
It’s not about your birth mother, it’s about *you* and your current quality of life.
Your birth mother loved you to the best of her ability, in the moment she was in, with what she had – each and every moment.
Maybe she excelled at love and you treasure those moments and hope to share similar ones with your children and loved ones.
Maybe she didn’t understand love and shared fear-based energy with you, resulting in pain that you understand you don’t want to replicate and share so you are doing the inner work to shift into new patterning. (Or you are ‘walking in her footsteps’, numbing your feelings to the best of your ability because that is the best you can do right now.)
Let’s send some compassion your birth mother’s way.
It doesn’t mean the way she treated you was acceptable (or not). It simply means you can center into your heart space, understanding that she shared with you based upon her patterning, beliefs and resources.
And, if you were abandoned or abused, she was in some sort of pain and couldn’t access that love to share with you. So, let’s send more compassion her way. (And let’s send *lots* of compassion your way, turn it inward please!)
If you can center into your heart space and apply compassion to your birth-mother and gratitude for the gifts mentioned above, forgiveness and grace follow naturally.
Also, if you loved your birth mother and she has passed, I invite you to forgive her for passing (‘leaving’ you here on Earth without her physical presence). If you are angry, discouraged, pained…. at your mother for passing, I invite you to forgive yourself for ‘loving her so much that you miss her’ and for all of the energy with that.
We are each accountable for the energy we bring into our current space.
Your birth-mother is accountable for her energy; you are accountable for your energy.
In this sense, it’s a personal accountability.
When you choose to do the inner work to send genuine gratitude to your birth-mother and you can apply compassion and forgiveness, you are clearing and amplifying your own energy. This allows you to have a stronger personal vibration, which then opens energetic flow, increasing your ability to feel fullness of peace, joy, love, pleasure, abundance in your connections and in all that you choose to create.
If you agree that you are accountable for your energy, in this practice of sharing gratitude with your birth-mother, you are opening energetic doors to infinite possibility for yourself. It takes your focus away from anything less than love-based and directs it toward people and things that will support your heart’s intention, in this moment, in life.
Also, unless we do inner work to shift patterning, we tend to mirror our birth mother in our self-talk and self- care.
I invite you to take a moment to feel into if that’s true for you. If your birth-mother was loving and kind in word and action, then with little work on your part, your self-talk and self-care is probably loving and kind. If your birth-mother abandoned you, then with little work on your part, you probably find it challenging to trust and support yourself. If your birth-mother criticized you or harshly disciplined you, then with little work on your part, you probably criticize and discipline yourself.
So, taking the time to understand your birth-mother (whether or not you agree with her choices) apply gratitude, compassion and forgiveness, naturally gifts your inner being the same gratitude, compassion and forgiveness – which brings more peace into your body and opens you up to creating newness instead of reacting against (or with) ‘old stuff’.
I know that’s a lot to process! Thank you for taking the time to read and consider! If you have any questions, please ask in the comment section.
Dear Reader: I invite you to share at least one statement of gratitude for your birth mother – and as many as you’d like! – in the comment section below.
Much peace and abundant love,
I do offer personal empowerment sessions, if you would like guidance and support on working with patterning, understanding energy and healing a heart wound. I have a variety of packages from one-hour to one-month and email clarity to Skype consultations.
My small group ecourse “Connecting and Creating with Intention” begins May 21st and runs through June 19th. If you’d like to ‘play with energy’, in a comfortable, non-judgmental space, this is a wonderful way to open that door.