Last Friday night, when the house was quiet and we were each tucking into bed for the night, my daughter asked if I thought I would be dying while we slept.
It took a lot of courage for her to ask! (It also shows how sick I was last week.)
I remember how insignificant I felt when I was a young child and adults would brush off my questions with a ‘how ridiculous’ or ‘what a dramatic imagination’. I didn’t want to be seen as ridiculous, so eventually I learned not to ask questions out loud. (Now I question everything – as in I want to know what the energy of everything means, and how different energetic threads weave together to create different qualities in a moment and what happens as it all naturally unfolds.)
Because I want my children to experience life with peace and possibility, I took the time to be very present to the energy in my daughter’s question and the fear she was processing. I considered the physical variables she had seen: my consistent high fever, several days of lying in bed (or on the floor) purging, my inability to drive due to being light-sensitive.
I explained to my daughter that I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be dying that evening, shared with her the reasons I felt supported that certainty and also explained that while I was still recovering, I was in fact much better than the previous few days.
Together, we held space for her trust to come back to center and for her to fall asleep in a way that she could rest well. (Which then let me rest well, too.)
I thanked myself for my desire and ability to be present (especially when feeling so ill and very ready to fall asleep!). I asked for my patterning to keep unraveling, opening and evolving into newness through my connection with my children.
And, I reminded myself to please be as patient and gentle with my own inner child and her fears as I am with my two children and theirs.
I present this to you, because maybe there is a message in it for you, as you create on your path. As you turn this reflection inward, is there something that arises within for you? (please share in the comments below.)
Taking the Time to Ease Back Into Life
I feel almost better today – my energy is at 70%, which is delightful after having been at minimal for several days.
Whatever I had racked my body, temporarily putting my life on hold (almost impossible as a single mother, but the kids and I made it through!). I don’t yet understand the energy of it – I’m just now processing each energetic component, but I can see it has something to do with my previous pace and the fullness of each day.
I am currently astounded by how much I was able to do (pre-illness) with a lot of centering, in a day – besides driving my kids to and from school and their activities and being fully present to mothering them, I could write an article, create class prompts and facilitate forums, participate in sharing creative expression through words and photography, participate as a student in a few creative classes, write personal letters, spend a few hours in nature, connect with friends, work with clients and do my practices of presence throughout the day. Each day. My goodness!
As I ease back into ‘my life’, I recognize it is currently neither feasible nor healthy for me to even begin to resume that pace. My physical body needs lots of rest still, and I’m choosing to direct my energy to mother my children and heal myself.
Leaving the Broken Pieces There
Let me try to find the words to say this, because maybe you may understand. I don’t think I’m meant to ‘pick up those pieces’ right now. I don’t think I’m supposed to ‘continue where I left off’ and keep up that pace in that direction.
I think sometimes there is a ‘rush’ in our society to quickly *fix* ‘it’. Whatever ‘it’ is that seems to have broken.
When you ‘smack up against a wall’ as I felt I did with this illness, it’s really quite wise to leave all of the pieces that fell away, right there, before quickly putting it all back together again. I don’t think we are always meant to ‘put it back together again’. If there are non-resonant pieces, they will ‘sweep away’ and the pieces that remain will be there to examine for clarity and purpose.
What I find in my studies of, and work with, energy movement is that usually when we feel something ‘broke’ it’s that a barrier has fallen away and the pieces that surround us are those ‘smashed’ judgments and/or expectations.
We are left with love.
We might not understand where it came from or how to apply it. We might feel incredibly vulnerable and sensitive – qualities that, when we use them to create with, allow us depth in connection and fullness of trust in Source and flow. While these are powerful energies, many in society label them ‘weaknesses’, thus, the rush to quickly cover them back up.
When you strip it all away, you are left with love. That’s a prime spot to ‘recover’ your essence energy – that brilliant light, love, gratitude, peace, and inner knowing that: everything is possible, all that you choose to create matters, and using your voice in ways that your heart asks you to will amplify inner peace and whole-body-wellness.
So often, we try to repair what was broken, bringing it back to ‘how it was before’. Only how it was before no longer fits, is no longer resonant, or it’s meant to evolve into a new shape/form.
What if, we leave ‘the broken pieces’ there for a moment. We take a breath and center (and maybe keep breathing and centering). We see what will unfold on its own, naturally, without attempted manipulation or control on our part.
What if we give ourselves time and space to feel gratitude for the dynamics as they were and for the dynamics as they currently are.
What if we allow that gratitude to be the current that guides us?
I invite you to take a moment to look around your life, to see where ‘recovery’ is asking for your attention. It will most likely be in a space that your mind labels ‘broken / needs fixing’.
I invite you to take the time to center your energy, then breathe into that ‘broken-ness’ energies such as grace, understanding, empathy, compassion, joy. Then, to see how each piece responds and shifts to align with this new vibration you are setting.
If you do choose to ‘fix’ something, may you do so with intention, from a centered space of love, carefully examining each piece for meaning and resonance before returning, replacing or releasing it.
Dear Reader: I invite you to share, is there something in your life you feel is ‘broken’? How does it feel to allow it to simply be, without rushing to fix it? Do you have a technique or practice that you use to increase your trust in flow and/or Source as you hold space?
Thank you for your presence!
Much peace and abundant love,
My small group ecourse “Connecting and Creating with Intention” begins May 24th (I moved the date forward a few days to accommodate my illness) and runs through June 22nd. If you’d like to ‘play with energy’, in a comfortable, non-judgmental space, this is a wonderful way to open that door.
I also offer personal empowerment sessions, if you would like guidance and support on working with patterning, understanding energy and healing a heart wound. I have a variety of packages from one-hour to one-month and email clarity to Skype consultations.