I last wrote in this space on August 1st. This might be the longest stretch of time in the almost eight years I have been blogging (half of that through my previous websites) that I haven’t written consistently.
So, I’m just going to write – as I would to a friend. Not because I feel obligated, but because this Facets of Joy community is a space of heart connection and I feel it’s important to share a bit of what is happening in my life, so you understand my silence (and perhaps are inspired in your life to open your heart to connect even when you are feeling vulnerable).
I’ve primarily been offline since the last week of July. That is incredibly interesting and significant, considering the bulk of my income is generated through the coaching sessions and ecourses I offer through this online site. Each day I have the thought that this will be the day ‘things return to normal’ (meaning, that I will have a block of time to create in and our daily family flow will be re-established) and each day it ‘doesn’t return to normal’.
Although, I’m not sure ‘normal’ exists – especially when a person is focused on daily inner work. We can’t possibly manifest, shift, release, celebrate, open, create, practice unfolding and think this day or any future day will resemble the previous ones, logistically, it’s not possible because what worked (flow-wise) the day before may not feel as comfortable or appealing this day. The day is new, you are new, all around you is new. Usually that is why – and how – infinite possibility/magic/blessings/miracles is able to swoop in.
Most of August required (not in a heavy way, but in a light-filled, purpose-driven, heart-centered way) that I share extra energy and attention with my children and hold space for individual and family growth and healing. A few examples: My son had a minor medical procedure on his hand that is still healing, then had all four wisdom teeth removed at once, all of which spanned three weeks time. Both of my children began a new school year – it’s my son’s senior year which will bring many changes and my daughter’s sophomore year.
Then, I (gladly) began consulting medical doctors, which resulted in a series of tests that are scheduled through October, to work on gathering information to help heal some physical symptoms that had begun to affect my quality of life. As an energy healer, I absolutely understand the energy in each symptom; while I continue to work on that, I feel it’s important to gather as much information as possible to make informed choices and – most importantly – to gift myself whole body wellness to a new degree.
All of the energy of these events are interwoven. I understand why they are present. (In part because in June solstice I declared an intention that I’d like to thrive and part of that is ensuring physical wellness as well as comfort in physical life.) I am not complaining, so I hope you don’t read into my words – I am simply sharing so you have an understanding.
During all of that, I do daily practices of presence. I thank myself for holding space and for each step. I share gratitude, daily, with all that lights my life and for the blessings in my life. And, I try to make sure I am gifting myself the basic self-care, including plenty of water to drink, lots of deep restorative sleep, foods that nourish, and being present at least a few moments a day to things that inspire, refresh and uplift my energy and spirit. There is lots of laughter (because to me, laughter is the ultimate medicine), play, so much love, and tons of counting of blessings.
And, then, yesterday I received a huge, unexpected ‘surprise’. It’s fresh and is going to require some processing and intentional breathing before I can even begin to explore the energetic meaning (as far as timing and placement). I feel as though I am currently in energetic shock (and probably also grief).
The ‘gist’ is that, as many of you know, I hadn’t known my birth mother in my life. I felt abandoned (as she left me with my dad when I was young), hurt, not enough and all of that wove it’s way into why I was able to stay in patterns of abuse and chaos for much of my life. I felt unworthy, I was told how unworthy I was by my first step-mother and I stayed in ‘unworthy’ until I had my own children and decided to heal and learn new ways of living because I wanted them to experience peace and possibility. (From that, Facets of Joy and the work I do now, eventually, organically, evolved.)
Yesterday, I received a message from someone who contacted me to share information about my birth mother with me. Within a few moments, we were speaking on the phone. It turns out he is my birth mother’s recent husband and part of what he had to share was that she recently passed away. He then told me some of what he was told about why my mother left and why she didn’t connect with me. He also gave me valuable medical history information (timely).
He then sent me a few recent photos of her – it’s the first time I have clearly seen her face and felt into her energy. He wrote a nice letter to me this morning, telling me words I wish my mother had said (and who knows if she felt?). He seems to have a good heart and ultimately what he shared is a gift, because the information will help increase my understanding of my patterning (and hopefully unravel ties that bind, more easily and gently). For now, though, my mind is blown and I’m ‘floored’.
I create from my heart space – I center then stream out whatever forms ask to be shaped. So, you can see why I hadn’t been creating. It makes no sense to me, though, and isn’t in alignment with, my personal intention to keep my heart wide-open in my personal, daily life, but then clam up and withdraw from this space (which I have described, and feel, is my heart space on the web). So, here I am.
This month, I learned through loving my children, how to hold space to a new depth, with more love and compassion, than I have previously. I learned how effective centering can be and how potent practices of presence truly are. I am learning to listen ultra-closely to my heart, to trust flow/Source/and the good of Universe in a new way, that allows for ease and joy in unfolding. I am learning the importance of self-care, self-love, self-compassion. And, I am learning strength of boundaries and how much magic flows when we have the courage to set and honor them.
I was previously scheduled to be primarily offline two more weeks – through September 8th. The timing of that astounds me right now!
I can’t tell you what I will create next. This week, when time permits, I am going to re-write the main pages of my site to show the clarity and strength of my beliefs and my purpose for sharing this work. I am going to re-write my ecourse page. And, I am going to continue to share here from this ultra-vulnerable space, with the hope that we can continue learn, grow and heal together.
There are many things in life I don’t know but I can say with utmost certainty that being love matters, and that choosing to believe in and honor the goodness of this world absolutely amplifies the peace, joy and possibility available to you in daily life while growing ‘the good’ you experience and receive in life.
I shared this next part on my personal Facebook page this morning and am sharing it with you because I would love to receive your insight:
Because I live so fully present, I very naturally, with no thought or practice, wake refreshed and open to this new day – kind of like I leave the bulk of yesterday in yesterday and start fresh.
It is odd for me then, to still feel very much energetically enmeshed in yesterday’s personal news of receiving a message from (and then speaking with) my birth mother’s recent husband. I hadn’t known her in life – it didn’t feel good to be ‘abandoned’ and I have had so many questions for her – and now she has died.
The information he provided me with is unsettling, some things I felt to be true my entire life but never had confirmation of, and ultimately I suppose I will sift through and find great peace. Because with knowledge comes a greater capacity for understanding and also peace. It’s going to take a bit of intention and inner work to get to that space.
For now, I have a question for you. I really do wish for your opinion/wisdom/insight/life experience.
From what I was told, my mom was agnostic and didn’t hold the spiritual beliefs that I do. What I hold true, spiritually in my heart, and practice, daily, is that we can call upon the deceased as angels or energetic forces to support and assist us for clarity, protection and also affirmation. As ‘guides’, if you will.
So I can’t tell based upon what was shared of my mother’s beliefs, is she available as a guide to me, or not. And, how will I know if she is. And, since she wasn’t available to me in life, would that possibly change now that her energy has expanded with passing? Please, do share your beliefs. I am open to learning. Thank you!
Much peace and abundant love,
PS. This article is very ‘me-centered’. So you might wonder, what are you to learn from reading it?
I don’t know. I’m not ‘teaching’ anything specifically, I’m simply sharing from my heart to yours.
It might be that as you read this part of my journey, you can feel into what I have shared here, ask questions, turn it inward and apply it to your way of processing energetic dynamics.
And: So often, when our hearts feel tender, we quickly throw up a guard or barrier and withdraw – but really that’s the best time to keep your heart open, center just a bit deeper, and connect. Maybe my experience will inspire you to keep exploring different centering and heart-opening practices that you can play with now, so when you ‘need’ them in a challenging situation, they are comfortable and *work*.