Today I Received a Picture (Technically Ultrasound Photo) of my Heart

When I read today’s nudge for Effy Wild’s “Let’s Blog Along in September” adventure, I thought I likely wouldn’t do it.

Here is the nudge: *Dump Your Mental & Emotional Purse all over the table that is your blog. Don’t sort it. Don’t apologize for any of it. Just take an inventory, in list form, and let the old tissues & twenty year old mints fall where they may.*

I am very intentional with the energy I share. Care-filled, compassionate, aware of what the energy I am sharing and how it might affect another. I will share from vulnerable space, and it might not always seem light-filled (on surface) – especially if I’m confiding about something confusing or disheartening or if I’m processing trauma – but it usually is, because that’s how I am and how I choose to connect. I will wrap whatever I’ve shared in love and light as I share it and bless the conversation and all in it so that what you receive is easy to process and ‘carry’ (if you choose).

So, you won’t ever find me doing an ’emotional dump’. I won’t ever just spew. (I’ll work it out on the beach at sunset, stream it out in my journal, spin some magic around it, do some physical activity to move energy.)

The more chaotic something feels to me, the more centered I get (it’s a natural reaction after practicing presence to unfolding for so many years), so even if I am sharing the most ‘pain-filled to me’ thing, you won’t feel it as a ‘dump’.

I decided to write, because I’m committed to the challenge, but most importantly, because I’m committed to remaining open-hearted and because something today happened that kind of fits the energy of Effy’s invitation.

So, today, I received a picture (technically ultrasound) of my heart. And it shook me up, unexpectedly so.

The appointment was planned. I knew I’d be having an electrocardiogram. I knew ‘why’. The feelings in it were surprising, and I’m still processing them.

When I was telling a friend, before my appointment, she suggested I ask for a picture of my heart (much like what happens when you get an ultrasound when you’re pregnant, and you get photos to take home).

I decided that was a fabulous idea because I’m all about heart energy…..and having a physical photo would help me to ‘see’ my heart, and be a visual I could send energy to, and maybe feel more connected with. 

So, halfway through the procedure, I asked the technician if he could print a photo of my heart. From his response, I think I might be the first one to ever ask him. When I explained why, he agreed and printed my ‘souvenir’. It’s a view that shows the four chambers, and I like that. I’ve been looking at this photo of my heart all afternoon, in wonder and awe, and love and gratitude and prayer. 

(I’m also not sharing the photo publicly, because I don’t have the official results yet and many of my friends are in the medical field and can likely read something if it shows in the photo and that’s not how I’d like them – or me – to find out!)

But, what happened that surprised me, is right when we started the procedure, my eyes filled with tears. It wasn’t physically uncomfortable or painful. While lying on the table, there in the procedure room, I tried to understand what my tears were.

I think at first they were tears of joy and love – as in *my heart*, wow that’s my heart, pumping (kind of a similar feeling to when I had ultrasounds when I was pregnant – my baby, wow, that’s my baby!).

But, as he asked questions, and I answered, there were also a few tears of sorrow (hmmm…what if my heart really is ‘broken’ – I believe in the mind/body connection, thoroughly and I know on August 1st when I felt energetic shock ripple through my body as someone shamed and belittled me, and cut me right down, that is when my heart ‘broke’. How will I keep it energetically open if it’s broken, is it fixable? – Yes! I will keep my heart open, yes whatever it is, is fixable – I believe this with my entire being *and* I was just sharing my initial thoughts and tears.)

As the conversation continued to cover my medical history, my tears flowed. I mentioned I don’t know my birth mom and I don’t know much about her, but I do know she died during open heart surgery. So, I was thinking as he spoke that maybe something my mom and I share/d in common is that she had an ultrasound of her heart, too. And now we’re bonded by this heart stuff (and the energy in that is very clear to me!).

And, I’m all about breaking patterns that were handed down to me, that are constrictive, so if something is wrong with my heart, and I do need surgery, I’m sure as h*ll not going to die in the middle of it. So now I have it in my will to survive something that feels impossible to me (and yes, in those moments when thoughts came pouring in, this was one, but in life, as the afternoon unfolded, I’m back to my centered self, and these thoughts aren’t even in my realm.)

Thinking about surviving something my mom didn’t (which is the theme of my entire life, really!), brought tears full of things I hadn’t yet processed. But the thoughts that accompanied those tears were full of what-if’s and if I did need surgery how would the logistics work in my life, and that brought about love again. I feel fortunate to have experienced all of the love I’ve experienced and to have learned how to be and share and connect and create with it, and celebrate it. I feel blessed that I have broken so many patterns that were constricting, so my children and their children and our legacy going forward wouldn’t have to deal with them – and I also send that healing back through previous generations, so they might feel it, too.

And, in those thoughts were grace, forgiveness, compassion – towards: myself, those previous generations, most of the people who have contributed to my emotional trauma (the one I didn’t send it to is because he is still acting with ill-will toward me, and it’s beyond me in these moments when I actually can’t breathe why I wouldn’t be granted breathing space.)

Sometimes the technician said exhale deeply, then hold it – and he had zero idea that I don’t like holding my breath, because I currently can’t get enough of it, so why would I intentionally cut it off. And there I was back at ‘not enough’ (which is my life’s wound). More tears.

This took almost thirty minutes. Then, it was done. As I cleaned up my chest, and put my clothes back on, I noticed I was leaving most of the experience in that room. And I blessed it all. And held my picture close. And went about my day.

If I had an emotional purse and I was going to dump it, that’s what you would get today.

Thank you for listening!

Dear Reader: I invite you to share something about your process of ‘dumping your emotional purse’.

Much peace and abundant love,

PS. I think listening is a skill and not everyone is practiced at it. So, when I do share, I use discernment around who I share with, and what I choose to share – so that it’s well-received and we both feel connected instead of one or the other feeling drained. And, I like to ask permission for sharing – to make sure the person has time and energy to listen.

Which came from my own boundaries around listening. While I am a fabulous listener and I love to listen, I’m not great at just being “dumped on”.  I need advance warning, and if I can’t listen then – because my time is already committed or because I’m not emotionally ‘ready’, because my energy is wrapped up in processing something and I don’t have attention right then – I’ll say.  Lots of people – especially fellow empaths don’t have boundaries around listening, so then they feel over-extended or drained, whether they are the speaker or listener.


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Comments on: "Today I Received a Picture (Technically Ultrasound Photo) of my Heart" (10)

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience it was beautiful to read and I really loved your thoughts on boundaries and emotional dumping <3

    • Thank you so much, Rachel!

      Strong boundaries are my favorite tools on this soul-growth, heart healing path. I like to share about how I use them in daily life, as encouragement for others who might not be familiar with boundaries, or might be afraid to use them.

  2. Hi Joy! I was so happy to read about those tears because one of my deepest beliefs is that healing, especially the old deep hurts, are healed in a rather miraculous way (but totally natural way) but tears that come from the deepest part of you! That is how I healed my life in my many years in RC and how I midwifed many other people, encouraging them to cry about the deep and old hurts that link to whatever is present today. It is a beautiful and perfectly natural way we as humans are given to heal and to stay in the present. I am so happy your shared and I feel so positive about that beautiful heart of yours whose loving energy I feel in my own heart every day. I am always delighted to listen to you and be with you whenever you are processing anything that requires someone who really wants to listen and cheer you on! I love you so much and am so happy you shared your experience and your tears! <3

    • Awww, Jean, you are so sweet. Thank you for your kind words!

      Tears flow often in my life – even when I’m most joyful or feel strong love! I was just surprised by them and curious as to their presence.

      I’m glad you feel positive about my heart. I’m working on energetic healing (as always, since it fascinates me and is a passion of mine), but this physical stuff is new and interesting to me.

      I love you, too <3

  3. Karen James said:

    You turned a description of a medical appointment into a beautiful story, as you always do.
    Take care

  4. I love how you wove this beautiful story around your appointment.
    Blessings to you.

  5. Thank you for sharing your experience. I felt my heart expand at your courage and grace as I read ?

    • Awww, it’s lovely to ‘see’ you, here, Tanya! Thank you so much for your kind words and the heart-smile you’ve given me this morning :) Blessings to you <3

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