An Update On Why I Haven’t Written and the Beginning of Gently Un-Pausing My Life, with Intention

Last night, I opened my web browser to the home page of my website, to see what the date of my last post was. I was astonished – and also in immediate and complete understanding of ‘why’ – to see that the date was March 1st! Last night was May 5th – that’s quite a gap! (I hadn’t realized it had been so long!)

There wasn’t anything to ‘do’ with that information, except to let it sit. To see it for what it is, and to give that clarity ample breathing space and room to unfold, naturally. (If you’re a consistent reader and/or if you’ve worked with me in clarity sessions before, you know this is part of my belief system and the way I live; to gather information, then work with understanding and energy movement so that any change – including inner openings – feels better than forcing or insisting upon something would.)

Noticing that I paused my life…and sharing an understanding of why

I’ve pretty much paused my entire life – including being on leave from my p/t job for a few weeks, two separate times – since March 1st, while I offered advocacy and support to my daughter who was (and is) struggling through some really serious stuff. And, in that advocacy and support, I found myself in intense emotional shock (she had two pretty severe health issues, the most recent being amnesia from a seizure) and also deep, deep grief.

I put myself into therapy, and I’ve been turning my heart-healing skills inward, because making sure the shock and grief remain surface and don’t seed feels important to me. (And almost weekly, something new happens on my daughter’s path that adds another layer of shock and grief to deal with, so ‘clearing that surface’ makes managing any fresh emotional pain at least do-able, I think.)

With that focused healing, I’ve noticed (am noticing still) that what I’m really addressing is the emotional pain I’ve stuffed in my lifetime. As I clear and heal and open, now, that ‘stuff’ arises and I’m in the space to process it. It’s not inner work that feels ‘light’ and *lovely* and good, but as I do it, I notice the heaviness from all that I’ve been carrying is dissipating, slowly, but still.

To be clear, my daughter’s path is hers, and as her mom, I believe that my job is to hold space as her path unfolds and to offer support, guidance, love and resources, for her (to choose if she wishes). She was a minor until the last week of April, so what she experienced on her path directly affected me, as we lived together full-time. She didn’t ask me to pause my life, but as this part of her journey unfolded, she required 24/7 supervision and care, and I felt pushing ‘pause’ was the only way I could give that to her. Those pauses happened in stages and became less temporary as the intensity of what she was in grew stronger.

A few days after she turned 18 (a week ago, actually) she left (with her stuff still here), and that’s where we are today. I know she’s with friends but, as she sorts her living situation out, I’m not quite sure where she is. We text once a day so I know she’s alive.

Understanding what is mine to imagine, want, manifest (and what isn’t)

It’s not what I imagined or wanted or manifested. But, it ‘is what it is’, and I need to see it clearly in order to best navigate my way through it, and also hold space for how it all affects our little family unit, as a whole, and me as the ‘captain’ of it.

My daughter’s path intersects mine, in the ‘mother’ point, and through my love  for her, and I’m aware that’s not for me to change, not can I control her choices or direction. (While I share in private a bit about what she’s experiencing, it’s not mine to share publicly; the bits I do share publicly are because I’ve asked her if I may, with the intention of generating energy, prayer and love.)

What I *can* imagine…want…manifest….’control’ is how I choose to respond to the events and feel of where our paths intersect, while also understanding that my own personal path has it’s own flow and trajectory and focusing my attention and awareness on that.

Easing in to un-pausing my life

“Un-pausing” my life is likely going to happen in steps as well. With intention. I’m still processing shock and grief, and maybe some of that will stay with me (which is okay). So, what I choose to focus on each day really needs to be resonant with the energies that are important to me to experience (like love, peace, joy, ease, delight) and also supportive of healing and opening, my heart.

(Instead of using the phrase ‘what I choose to focus on’, I was going to say ‘what I choose to bring back’ but there is no *bringing back* because I’ve changed and the feel of life has changed, and the qualities in my presence have changed so even if I focus on things I used to, the feel and experience will differ.)

Noticing seeds of encouragement to write this

With that, as I mentioned in opening this, I went to my home page of my website. I felt pure love. And a bit of sadness because I miss this space. I miss the connection, the joy of sharing creative expression, coaching, the feel of community. I love all of that. I let those feelings of love and sadness sit…..

This morning, as I was working my way through my email inbox, I read today’s newsletter from Bryonie Wise, which she call ‘The Heart Gospel’. I love Bryonie’s energy and way of being, and her eloquence in expression, so hers is an email I open whenever I see her name in my box!

This morning, she explained why she hadn’t written since February (you know I can relate with that!), and as I read her experience, I felt this gentle nudge to write to you, here in this space, like I love to do.

My intention in writing this today: to continue to build trust

Because I think understanding is essential in trusting a connection, and inviting full presence in it, I’ve chosen to share this with you, from my heart. 

And, it might be that as you read through, you can relate it to something in your life (although, of course, the variables likely differ) and find some encouragement or understanding for yourself. (I hope you do!)

I don’t have a ‘beautiful photo’ to go along with this post – in part because I haven’t been out and around taking photos. And, I didn’t want to let that be a deterrent to connecting here (because in the past, I’ve ‘always’ shared one of my photos when I write). I felt it wise to simply show up, say here’s the gist of why I’ve been absent and how I’m currently feeling, and let things unfold from there.

A question for you, along with gratitude and blessings

Dear Reader: In her newsletter today, Bryonie asks “How are you?” and “How is your heart?”. I’d love to know whatever it is you’d like to share. Please feel free to share in the comment section below, and please do offer support as you feel drawn, to those who comment.

Thank you so much for your presence in this Facets of Joy community, and for taking the time to read through. May this week present you with delightful surprise/s and lovely blessings <3

Much peace,

Joy

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Comments on: "An Update On Why I Haven’t Written and the Beginning of Gently Un-Pausing My Life, with Intention" (12)

  1. Catriona said:

    Joy, so beautiful to see you here! Heart’s blessings to you <3

  2. I am so happy to see this post, Joy, and that you are doing such deep, lifetime healing in the presence of your current life circumstances. You and your family are continually in my prayers and heart—-I know you know that :)
    One of the things I keep on working on in my life is to use everything that happens as an opportunity to grow and heal, even in the midst of pain and frustration. Sometimes I forget that and let hopelessness and helplessness take over—–until I can remember that I can control how I respond to circumstances I cannot change even if I cannot change the circumstances. It feels much more powerful to remember that :) Sending love and prayers <3

    • It wasn’t *intentional* deep healing, Jean, and I that’s why it’s neither as easy or ‘fun’ as doing journey work or ‘controlling’ the process. Thank you for the prayers and love!! I (and we) appreciate them!

      I think many people can relate to what you’ve shared here, about hopelessness and helplessness and remembering what you can control, and can’t. I can relate! I think it’s okay to feel a whole range of emotion, and to hold space for understanding *why* we feel the way we do, and to allow ourselves those feelings.

      Hopelessness or helplessness doesn’t mean we don’t have, or have lost, faith, it simply means we have a myriad of variables and elements swooshing in to our experience of life, and usually some sort of emotional pain is involved in noticing and processing them.

      I do feel that ‘remembering I can control how I respond’, is the key to ‘finding our footing’, feeling a bit of breathing room, and opening to find the courage/motivation to take the first step through it all. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience!

      Love to you <3

  3. Hello Joy. It is a blessing to read your blog and connect with you and also I feel my heart strings pull with all you are experiencing.
    I am dealing with physical illness and trying to love myself through it so my body is sore but my heart is full.
    Sending so much love to you ?

    • Thank you for the kind words, Tanya! I only wish to pull heart strings in a lovely ‘touched deeply in a good way’ way, which is one reason I don’t publicly share what has been happening.

      I hope your physical illness has healed well. Trying to love yourself through *everything*, life’s unfolding, and all of the loveliness as well as the pain, seems to be a ‘key to peace’ and well-being, regardless of what external variables are present. Blessings as this solstice season unfolds for you <3

      I appreciate and am grateful for your love and presence and friendship and am sending love, peace, joy to you <3

  4. I was in a group discussion the other day. Part of that discussion involved a horrific event that occurred in one of our member’s life. I basically said that ‘there are things in life that we just don’t have control over, but we do have control with how we chose to respond to the event… that one can gently move away and forward from the event and in this moving away it is good to try and be gentle and forgiving of yourself.’ I don’t have the communication with my daughters like I had with my parents when they were alive. My mom married at 16 years of age coming out of the Great Depression after her mother died giving birth to my mother’s youngest brother. People can leave their family in a myriad of different ways…

    I’ll try to keep better in touch with you Joy.

    • While I agree that in general we have ‘control with how we choose to respond’, Rand, I also have a greater understanding after living through this past year, that people can experience shock and/or emotional or physical trauma that has great influence over a person’s ability to manage a reaction. I think many people, in general, aren’t aware that they are experiencing shock or trauma and in trying to push through, or judge their body for the reaction, they miss an opportunity for practicing self-compassion and for external compassion to flow in. They can’t ‘gently move away’, they have to *go through* it, and that can be challenging.

      Yes! to being gentle and forgiving of one’s self. The Ho’oponopono prayer comes to mind: ‘I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you’. People tend to share that externally but when turned inward that’s such a powerful practice.

      I think communication styles differ greatly now than in previous generations (and can’t all generations say that?! *grin*). And, I experience that seeds of love planted previously (like one might do as a parent of a child) stay with a person, and blossom, even if current communication feels paused or non-existent.

      Blessings, Rand.

  5. Hi Joy, I just read this now. Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to see a post from you on here, although I enjoy connecting with you in other places too. :) Thinking of you and sending love to you all.<3

    Zania

    • Thank you for your presence, Zania! I appreciate your energy and thoughtfulness and enjoy connecting with you, here, and in other spaces, as well. Thank you for the love! Sending love, peace and joy back to you <3

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