Transformational Magic: Negotiating My Wall

Today I am sharing with you the most recent edition of my subscription based “Transformational Magic: The Letter That Will Move You”.  (edit: May 7, 2013 – this was a weekly subscription letter that is no longer offered).

As you will notice, the format and the style of this letter is a bit different from that of my regular articles. I do a lot of exploration in my life and I express that fully in this format.  It is my wish that something within will provide you the opportunity to reflect upon your ways of creating in your life.

Thank you for joining me; your willingness to hold space as I share transformational magic through this letter allows me to continue to explore within my personal life.

My thoughts this week circulate around the continuation of the exploration of pushing past my perceived limits and facing my wall.

This is the foundation of my experience of how I learned to negotiate my wall this week.

As I write this, it is from a vulnerable place.

Reflection.  Do you have a “wall’?  What do you do with this wall?  Does it exist as it is, do you reflect upon it, do you wish to move around it?  And do you share this with others, or is this something that you tend to keep hidden.  Is part of that wall the unwillingness to allow vulnerability in life?  Can we claim to live in alignment and full awareness, yet not only allow the unwillingness to be present in life, but cultivate it and use it to stagnate?

My wall.  My recent focus is to live in full alignment, so I am exploring the practice of removing barriers to abundance and flow.  As I move through this practice, my gift of clarity allows me to see with great certainty as I process a situation what I have drawn to me and why.  I do not believe that external has a bearing on what I create; I am accountable for all that is in my life.  I have given each external piece space to be where it is; whether that was determined from a centered place of peace or a reactive place of fear is in my ‘control’.  Nothing is done to me, I allow it to happen/to be there.  As I practice unfolding, I usually do not know the specifics of “how” the experience will be, but I know that my ability to create from peace is symbolic of my ability to tap into flow and my unwillingness to allow a depth of vulnerability is symbolic of my depth of fear and the degree of compromise I allow in my life.

As you know from last week’s letter, I wanted to break my pattern of allowing my wall to be a barrier to flow.   This time when I hit the wall, I stopped and studied it as I regrouped.  This wall was strong and spanned all realms: emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, as well as energetic connections.  I did not think getting around it was possible, and I knew I wasn’t going to turn around, so I stood there gathering strength.

I received the advice to lay everything about me—all of my truths and beliefs and values, as well as my limitations and fears—in front of the wall, then observe to see what re-surfaced as truth. Even to include “unfolding” in that.  I resisted the idea at first.  I then realized my old patterns obviously did not “work” for me since each previous time I saw the wall I turned around, so I needed to try something new.  I leaned into my resistance and I laid it all down..everything I thought I knew, I practiced, I believed in, everything I thought I knew about my self and my world…laid it down.  A bit emotional.  I stood there completely vulnerable.

Last week, I spoke about ‘pushing past my limits’.  This was the opportunity to do just that.  I accepted that opportunity.

Reflection:  When you read this:Nothing is done to me, I allow it to happen/to be there” does that feel?  There is no wiggle room in that; doesn’t allow for blame and holds me accountable for complete surrender to flow.   When you wish to learn something (such as pushing past your limits) do you draw it to you and immerse your self in it, or do you allow it to stand unexamined? And are you willing to stand “unarmed” in front of your biggest fear or do you feel the need for layers of insulation?  What are you willing to lay down to tap fully into flow/get past your own wall?  Do you question and practice your beliefs or are they just words you recite on auto-pilot? (All questions I ask my self in a gentle, loving tone…no judgment, just allowing truth to surface and acknowledging that truth as it is).

Doubt. Directly after laying it all down, I “lost” an energetic connection that mattered to me.  I received an email so unexpected–someone I trusted presenting fear instead of truth–that after reading only three lines, my body reacted in such a physical way I began to throw up violently; each symptom that I had in September came back full force so that by evening I was moments away from ER.  (Sheer willpower or stubbornness has kept me out of ER this week–each moment was created through this physical limitation).  I began to doubt my ability to create, in a week in which I had several new clarity clients and a meetup.  The dollar amount of the bills that were due far exceeded the dollar amount I had to pay them with.  I made a small change to my sidebar on my website and ended up somehow crashing it on a day that I was participating in an important site-wide project.  Discouraged could be an apt adjective.  For a few moments, it applied.

Reflection: What do you do when doubt surfaces?  Do you continue to create or do you decide “enough” and allow for “defeat”.  

Negotiating my wall.  I did not turn around.  (I normally would have).  I really wanted to learn this so I stayed at that wall, as all I know to be true sloughed away.

I used the same technique on the wall as I do with connecting with people. I looked at the wall wanting to see it clearly so I could know it well.  Not at what was presented to me—this big dark, solid, forbidding structure– but what could I see inside of it, past all of that.

What is the wall?  Fear, self-doubt, patterns that no longer fit.  Just labels, so release the labels.  Now what is the wall? Energy.

As I stand there, completely vulnerable without my armor, what am I?  Energy.  The wall and I are the same.  I see it clearly, I know it well.  The wall is me and I am the wall.  (Just as you are me and I am you).

I stand in my own way.  So, release it, release the “I” and the “me” in it.  What is left?  Way.

I gently opened my heart to way.  And this is how I “pushed past” my wall.

Reflection.  I want to share this with you if I may.  After I opened my heart to way, each of the items above has been transformed in one miraculous story after another.  The affirmation I use now is: I am aligned with truth, which also means that everything fear filled sloughs away.  I cannot align with truth and also cling to fear-filled, so I have to allow that which sloughs away to do so.  I know with certainty, that which is true is present.

I recognize that, in general, we often cling to a connection, a possession, an idea because we afraid to let go.  Upon further examination, my wall was comprised of everything I refused to let go of.  I did that.  I built that wall.  If that makes you sad, may you realize as easily as we build walls we can deconstruct them by releasing.  We don’t have to climb them, or bust through them, or devise ways to get around them.  We just need to let go of them.

I think this applies to people as well.  We look for ways to relate, to connect, to be in the same space.  Lots of exertion and energy expended.  What if relating, connecting, sharing was as easy as letting go of barriers and opening your heart.

The fear filled email.  I did that.  I didn’t write it, but I allowed it to happen.  Ultimately this is why I reacted as I did to it.  I couldn’t stomach that I not only would allow this in my life, but I helped to create it.  We wish to place blame on another, to say he/she hurt me…but reality is I hurt my self.  There was a place within our foundation that I allowed a brick to begin the wall; not only did I not remove the brick, at times, I even added my own bricks (past patterns and wounds and whatever that had no place in this creation) and in wishing to avoid the perceived pain of scaling the wall, we ended up with the actual pain of crashing up against the wall and avoiding experiencing altogether as our connection frayed.

And if I wish to heal that, I release the “I” and “me” and open my heart to way; regardless of the other person’s choices.

(We may even want to judge the author of the email, but each of us have our own “email” we share in our own ways, when we decide we are unwilling to be vulnerable).

Resistance.  In closing, as I reviewed this week’s collection of personal photos, I had this strong Feeling of the predominant color of blue.  Each day I would quickly scroll down my sidebar photos and have the thought that all of a sudden there was so much blue in my life–variations of blue, but still very much blue.  Blue is a color I don’t normally purposely choose, yet it was reflected everywhere.  When something is so consistent, I tend to resist it (yes, this is my next pattern to review and release) so after a few days of this, I decided to look at my photos to see what was in them.  I found that each photo was of my immediate surroundings—the ocean, the skies, my clothes.  I had this urge to move, right now, I don’t wish to be in the land of blue, I wish for color and vibrancy.  My children require stability, or I would have moved that day that is how strong my urge was.  (That’s what we are conditioned to “do”, flee/withdraw when we feel vulnerable).

Feeling extremely uncomfortable (a sign of fear), the next day I began to add color into my life; even if I didn’t particularly love the color or the placement, I added it.  Instead of a pleasing accent though, it seemed to distract me and none of it truly “fit”.  My discomfort increased.

Later that day, I came across an article on chakra work in which it stated that the color blue is beneficial to open your fifth chakra, dealing with spiritual questioning, truth, and intuition; if you wish to heighten this sense to immerse your self in blue.  I find it interesting that throughout a week when I was questioning my truths and exploring a wall, and had so many new clarity clients– that I was immersed in blue, and that I then resisted it when I noticed.  I added filler instead of acceptance and gratitude.

I wonder where else do I do that in life?  Where do I resist the answer or the placement of a gift?  Where do I receive the very gift I have asked for, yet add filler instead of allow my self to celebrate it.  Where do I place the brick instead of allow for a clean foundation upon which to build?

In love and peace,


This is letter 5 of the January 2012 series of “Transformational Magic: The Letter That Will Move You.”   Please feel free to allow these ideas and concepts to settle as you process them.  I express transparently from my heart space; some concepts may be new to you, my way of life might differ from yours..I appreciate that you hold space for me as you read.  It would be an honor for me to receive your thoughts and reflections as you processed this letter.  Please feel free to reply with an email (or a comment below) as you feel comfortable..

I hold you in my heart.  Peace.

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Comments on: "Transformational Magic: Negotiating My Wall" (3)

  1. jean sampson said:

    Hi Joy, I love how you live into every little piece of your life. What an example! My life has been about facing fear , learning to dismantle/ overcome/ let go of
    fear in its many forms, And, yes, I do accept the total responsibility of creating whatever is in my life and have realized that truth for many years. I have found various ways to face/transform fear into a life affirming energy (fear DOES contain a lot of energy and it CAN be transformed into joy and excitment, I have found). For example, I have transformed, probably my biggest fear, the very common fear of public speaking, into something I enjoy and something I am good at! I still get some butterflies, but I use them to fuel excitement about what I am going to speak about, or the poetry I am going to read to a group of people. Just the fact that I am a teacher is amazing to me! It happened step-by- step-, although some of those steps were a lot bigger and a lot scarier than I thought I wanted to take—but it was perfect, really. And I chose to go after fear, and keep making this choice, day after day, when I notice that fear is in my way. I even allow myself to put something on “the back burner” if I am not ready to deal with it yet. I know the right time will come to deal with it.

    I have learned how to tackle fear step-by step, very methodically. When I look back at all the things I could not do 30 years ago, I am completely amazed at how far I have come and how different my life and my attitude is now. I have learned to view the whole picture and am very grateful, joyful and amazed at the life I have created. This is not to say that I don’t have real challenges now but I know I am working on them, learning from them, using them to help other people who are watching how I live. When I really just let my intuition guide me, I make choices (even small ones) that are perfect and that I am not even consciously thinking about. That happened the other day—-one series of things that I did “for no reason” turned out to be very important for the safety of both myself and a group of other people. I do feel the support from “unseen helpers” and it is much better when I get my conscious mind out of the way!

    Transparancy is what really has saved me ——I found a group of people who were working on releasing old patterns though peer counseling and a process of emotional release. I chose to “reveal” myself to these people ( takes a lot of trust, but it was too painful to continue living in the self-enclosed manner of the past, so I chose to open up to these folks who were also opening up to me). In the process, I revealed myself to ME! Funny how that works.

    It is good to tell one-another about how we have gone about creating our lives. We have all done it in different ways, but we are all creators ( and I think we are all heroes, too) and discoverers along the way. In the end, there is a lot of mystery in life, and I am aways amazed at all of us and how we have used what we have to create these precious human lives we are living!

    Big hugs to you, Joy, for setting such an example with your life!

    • Jean,
      Thank you for sharing! So much speaks right to me…

      This: “found various ways to face/transform fear into a life affirming energy”…is empowering…the foundation for the ability to create anything and everything in life. As you have.

      “I have learned to view the whole picture and am very grateful”: is huge for me in my life. If I am discouraged or feeling “less than” peace filled, I release the detail/the expectation because in the scheme of things, I am grateful for this moment and all that I have in it, absolutely enough as it is. And that allows me to tap into faith/flow and gently bring my self back to *now*.

      “When I really just let my intuition guide me, I make choices[_] that are perfect”…so empowering as well…thank you for this beautiful affirmation!

      “Transparency is what really has saved me”…this has been life changing for me. Almost one year ago, I promised my self I would honor transparency in all of my relations, regardless of what I was presented with. I have found such freedom, such joy in connecting through heart space to truth. Amazing. And I do the inner work to remove barriers to enrich the experience.

      Thank you, Jean, for being you! I love your energy and how you so generously share it whenever you “visit”…lights my heart each time! Huge energetic hug to you!

  2. […] If the subject of “energy and presence at your wall” interests you. perhaps you may also enjoy an archive article “Transformational Magic: Negotiating My Wall“. […]

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